My Exit Story Pt 4

Links to Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

This last step, from being an agnostic (but still mormon in certain subconscious areas) and changing into a full PostMo, would once again take a little longer that perhaps it should have. Religion didn't really interest me, so I had no real reason to go back and actually study the issues with religion. Ironically, this led to a delay in finally throwing the last shackles off. Some little corner of my brain still held a little bit of an indoctrinated opinion (Well, if any religion is true, it’s probably mormonism), but my lack of enthusiasm for religion is precisely what prevented me from taking the time to root that opinion out. I remained semi-mormon because mormonism didn't interest me; now that's some ironic shit right there.

There were a couple of events that finally precipitated my final de-conversion step. The first occurred about a year ago during the holidays. That year, Christmas fell upon a Sunday. With all of the family in town, my mother begged and eventually convinced me to attend church with everyone else. She probably thought that it would be easier for me, as a Christmas session is church “easy mode”. They do a lot of singing, and not a lot of preaching. These things didn't prevent me from being incredibly uncomfortable, however.

The first problem I encountered  was the simple realization that my voice was shot. I haven’t really sung for many years now, and could no longer hold a pitch the way that I used to be able to. It was painful for me to try to sing precisely because I could remember being far better at it then I currently was. This isn't exactly a problem with mormonism, but it nevertheless led to the connection that I was not happy while inside the church building.

The second problem had mostly to do with the lyrics of the songs that were sung. Honesty is a large part of my current moral identity, and as I would look at the lyrics to the songs, I would look at their meaning and quickly realize, “I cannot sing this. To utter these words would literally make a liar out of me!” For members, the songs are harmless, innocent little things. For me, I could look at them and see messages that rang false, and see passive brainwashing that couldn't be unseen once you had noticed it. These were songs that I was morally bound to not sing. I was miserable the entire time I was there, and couldn't wait to leave.

The other main event that helped me take that final step was being invited into a local ex-mormon group. Someone up in my office area had heard me give some of my opinions on religion one day, and realized that I would probably be a good fit for their group. They added me to the group, and invited me to participate in the events that the group held. I ended up attending an atheist vs. mormon debate event that the group held a few weeks later, and had a very fun time at the event. Not only was I enjoying myself, but I was also being exposed to some of the evidence against the church. Some of this evidence sounded like some pretty crazy stuff; as it turns out, the claims were just wild enough to hold my interest, and actually convince me to spend time researching about them.

Once that step had been made, the rest was history. The only thing that had kept me from really rooting out my mormon heritage up until that point was a lack of interest; once the spark of interest had been lit, there was no stopping it. My education is far enough along that I’m decent at not only looking at an argument head-on, but also analyzing its underlying logic for problems, as well as looking up their sources in order to make sure that any claims were backed up by popular scientific acceptance. So I wasn't just looking at something that somebody said and accepting it as true; I was fully researching these pieces of evidence before moving on.

And boy, did I find a treasure trove. From the Book of Abraham to the accounts of the First Vision to the surmounting archaeological evidence to the problems with the 3 and 7 Witnesses, each new thing that I encountered (and subsequently verified the validity of) just seemed to bug my eyes out a little more, and make me wonder how I ever could have believed this stuff! The evidence against it is astounding, and the fact that the church retains as many members as it does in the internet age is a testament to the strength of its brainwashing indoctrination.

While these discoveries included many horrifying things, it wasn't all bad. This has led to an increased desire to study the problems existent within religion, and has helped me develop my own moral code in useful directions that I might not have otherwise considered. Nevertheless, let it be said plainly and clearly at this point: I am Out of the mormon church. I am just as confident in it’s falseness as its members are in its authenticity. There is a 0% chance that I will ever return, and I will never claim it to be anything but a fraud. Let there be no doubt on this matter. This is my Exit Story, and I have definitively Left the Building. I am a happy PostMo, and it is better over on this side.

My Exit Story Pt 3

Links to Part 1 and Part 2

Shortly after choosing not to go on a mormon mission, I had essentially settled into a Marcus Aurelius version of agnosticism. If there’s a good god out there, he won’t hold it against me to be a good person that’s not religious. If there’s a being out there that will hold it against me, then such an asshole doesn't deserve worship. And if there’s nothing out there at all, then I’m not wasting away my life inside a church.

You'd think that this would mean that I was out of the church, right? Well, maybe not as much as you'd think. Childhood indoctrination is a powerful enough force that many of my default modes of thought remained mormon in nature. I called myself agnostic because the thought of moving on and calling myself anything beyond was repugnant; that part of my indoctrination was still alive and kicking. I didn't think of myself as a mormon, but I also couldn't really call myself anything else. Anyone that tried any drugs (even my best friend in high school who tried marijuana while in the military) was automatically an evil person in my mind, and I’d distance myself from them. Anyone that drank was a lesser person in my eyes. These are beliefs that I had only because they were religiously indoctrinated into me as a child, and they are some of the ways in which my line of thinking  remained sadly mormon in its defaults. This mode wouldn't really change at all until my life in general underwent significant change about a decade after I’d gotten out of high school.

At this point in my life, I was living a somewhat dreary existence. I worked a crappy job that was gnawing away at my will to live, and was essentially the same as the previous job I’d had, and the one before that. Each time I’d reach a point (about a year into the job) where I just couldn't stand the job anymore. Usually it would be solved by moving onto another job with another company, but that was only a temporary stopgap, and I was beginning to realize that. The job I’d move to was just like the old one, and once I’d spent enough time there to feel like I really knew what I was doing, the same things would once again make me hate my job.

I was getting ready to make the switch again. I had done an interview with a new company, and was mentally prepared to leave my job and move to the new one. I ended up not being offered a new job, but I was still mentally at the point where I’d quit my existing job. You ever put in a two week notice, and find your motivation to do anything at all non-existent during those two weeks? That’s where I was at, only I didn't have a new job to move onto. Being forced to work a job that I had already mentally let go of was excruciating. If I thought I hated my life before, I knew without a doubt once this happened; I was very miserable. Through sheer luck, a friend of a friend heard about it, and he mentioned that his mother worked at the local university. Whenever he had a friend that wanted to get back to school but didn't really know how, he’d direct them to his mother, and she’d help them figure out what needed to be done to get themselves back into school.  I met with her, got my shit together, and got back into school.

The largest part of school that helped form my third step in leaving were the philosophy courses I took; learning good philosophy can be an excellent foundation for rooting out mormon bullshit. I ended up taking a few classes from a specific professor, Chris, who was an excellent philosopher. After a decade away from school, she opened my eyes and taught me how to actually think. In trying to write term papers for her classes, I would end up in her office for brainstorming sessions, and they were always quite interesting. She never put forth specific conclusions or her own opinions, but would ask me for my opinion about a topic, and when I answered she’d simply point out some of the logical consequences of such a stance or belief. It was my choice whether I should come up with some sort of alteration or justification to overcome a consequence, or to change my opinion. No matter which way I chose however, each one of those also had logical consequences that would need to be considered as well.

Through this process she started teaching me how to think analytically. In addition to gaining a foundation of analytic thought, some of the specific subjects covered in the classes also dealt with directly moral issues. Discussions on moral realism and relativism certainly expanded my horizons, as well as those on free will and moral responsibility. By the time I had finished a couple of courses with her, I had access to several foundations for a moral base that no longer needed mormonism. And I found that morality was a subject that I enjoyed. Also, as I would have more brainstorming sessions, I found myself encountering logical problems with my default pseudo-religious views more and more often. The more I analyzed my default views, the more problems I would encounter with them. By the time I had finished those classes there were several previous viewpoints of mine that I had already concluded were definitely incorrect, and must be tossed. I did not feel bad for these lost views, however. The sheer logic that the change in views came from was such a powerful thing that the usual resistance to change was largely absent. By the time I had formulated a new opinion, I had already worked out the hows and whys of the new opinion, and was on solid enough ground that the change was not difficult.

At this point I was almost all of the way home. I hadn't been to church for years, I had a solid foundation for my own moral code without the need for the church, and I had learned to think for myself. While I had managed to shed a lot of my mormonism, I was sadly still very mormon in several fundamental ways. I still hadn't actually sat down and studied the mormon religion and its problems directly, and this last piece would be needed before my transformation was complete.

My Exit Story Pt 2

Part 1 can be found here.

The second major step towards leaving mormonism behind came when I was 18 or so, and was really the combination of several events. One of the main things that happened then was that I had a girlfriend. My love life, up to that point, had been a story of Almosts and Near Misses. Part of this was because of my timid and naive nature, and part of it was because of my indoctrination; before 16 I was too young, and after 16 I was too different as a mormon to attract loads of interest (not every mormon is raised in Utah). There were a few girls I had fancied, and we had twirled around each other in our lives, but never quite managed to end up together in the traditional sense. This had largely culminated in an event just before my senior year (at a friend's birthday party) where a girl that I had circled around for years had shattered my fragile heart like it had never been broken before. This led to one of the only times in my life where I simply flirted with a girl just because, and not because I was crushing all over her; this, oddly enough, led me to Jen, the girl that I dated for several years after.

Jen was a nonmember. My parents probably disapproved of her precisely because she was not mormon. But they never seriously pressured me to dump her, probably because they knew that my most likely reaction to their interference would be to go in the opposite direction. Besides, my oldest brother had gotten a nonmember girlfriend in high school, and had managed to convert her; surely they would be able to do the same with mine. It probably also didn't help that there were virtually no prospects within the church; my ward literally had one female my age, compared to the 6-10 males of a similar age. Whatever the reason, my parents didn't object. So right at the age where young mormon males are supposed to be preparing to go on a mission, I suddenly had a non-mormon girlfriend. This naturally led to the usual girlfriend problems in regards to going on a mission; I didn't want to leave her behind. As a nonmember, her morals and standards were also a bit different than the mormon norm. She was willing to go much further in making out than the church would ever approve of, and I discovered that I really, really liked it. There was also a certain sense of acceptance that I had never really gotten on the church side of my life.

One example of this acceptance lies in the touchy realm (no pun intended) of masturbation (okay, slight pun was intended). This is something I sometimes engaged in, as most young men are wont to do. I was young, I was horny, and I was single; it happens, whether most of us admit to it or not. Since I slept through sacrament meeting most weeks I likely wasn't as indoctrinated as many children in the church. I knew that masturbation was considered to be wrong, but probably didn't understand just how evil the church considers it to be. I was more afraid of getting caught by my parents than I was of any….theological aspect. But nevertheless, I knew that it was considered to be wrong. And since I wasn't having any sex with my girlfriend (Jen was scared shit-less about the idea of getting pregnant, but knew nothing about contraception, so we didn't have sex), this meant that I would sometimes indulge in self-pleasure even as I dated Jen.

Since Jen was my first real girlfriend, I was very full-tilt about the whole relationship. I wanted to spend all of my time with Jen. I wanted to do everything together. I wanted her to know everything about me, and I wanted to know everything about her. Clearly this never really occurred, but whenever I was with her that was my focus. This caused some stress in my life, as I was certain that any girlfriend would be abhorred by the knowledge of her boyfriend masturbating. I felt a desire to be honest and tell her, but also a sense of dread as to what this revelation would result in.

As it turns out, it was mostly a non-event. When she was told, she was incredibly indifferent. She wasn't bothered at all by the knowledge that I would pleasure myself; as far as she was concerned, it was a perfectly normal thing for boys to do. Since I had been raised in the church my whole life, I had no idea that such a viewpoint even existed, so it was all rather shocking and eye-opening to me. And I was also somewhat struck by the warm feeling that this was a girl that accepted me for who I really was, without conditions. Even when in the middle of committing actions that my religion finds atrocious, she didn't flinch in the slightest, and still cared for me just as much. This was a powerful feeling. This was a level of acceptance that I had never found within the mormon church, as mormon acceptance is usually dependent upon the illusion of righteousness.

Combine that feeling of acceptance with the usual reasons for not wanting to leave a girl behind, and my girlfriend provided me with strong reasons not to want to go on a mission. On top of that, I had never really been much of a person to study the scriptures, or pay attention at church, so I didn't really desire a mission. There was still an intense social pressure to go on one; even for someone like me who isn't as socially integrated, the familial and peer pressure can be intense. So I was torn, and wasn't sure what decision to make.

The tipping point, interestingly enough, came from an active missionary. I did a year of college while contemplating my future, and at this college there were a pair of missionaries assigned to campus. Since my parents had updated my church records, they knew where I lived and would visit occasionally. They knew I was deciding whether or not to do the whole mission thing, and it culminated in a meeting one day with the missionaries. I admitted my hesitancy, and they responded in a most unusual manner.

The eldest missionary (I regret that I do not remember his name) started out by explaining that he knew exactly where I was coming from. He went on to explain that while he was a mere month away from returning home, this had actually been his second attempt at a mission. The first time around, he had committed transgressions that got him sent home early, and had to spend the requisite time repenting before going out again. During that year+ where he was officially a failed missionary, he was subject to the usual disdain and ostracizing that mormons tend to deliver to those that haven’t done a mission. He told me this so that I’d understand that he had been through both sides of the coin, and could understand both sides of the issue. After gaining my attention with this story, he then went on to tell me something that was definitely not the official church stance at the time.

The official stance of the church at the time was that Every Young Man go on a mission. Period. If you weren't worthy, then you needed to repent, and then go on a mission. The decree from the prophet was that every young man should serve, and that was the final word. What this elder said to me was somewhat different. He started by laying out the worthiness requirements to go on a mission, requirements that I naturally did not meet, but wasn't about to openly admit to. He then added another requirement, that you have to want to go on a mission. This desire shouldn't be to appease your parents, or to qualify as an RM for all those husband-seeking mormon girls, or to acquiesce to social pressure. You should desire to go for yourself, and for your own edification. And if you do not meet all of these requirements, for any reason at all, then you do not belong in the mission field. He had met some bad missionaries out in the field, and seen the harm they could do. If I wasn't sure, then the best thing I could do for the church was to not go. I muttered that I didn't really want to go, and he looked me in the eye and said, “Then you shouldn't go. You don’t belong out there.”  (As a side note, I suspect that this missionary had done both missions just to appease his parents, and probably didn't fully believe anymore when he told me this. But this is mere speculation, and is not something that occurred to me at the time.)

What a powerful statement this was to me! While I technically knew that going on a mission was a choice, it had never really seemed like much of an optional thing before. Nobody had ever before told me that it was okay not to go on a mission, or that not serving could actually be the right choice to make. This was the first time that I had actually realized that serving a mission (and consequently, being a standard mormon) and being a good person were not in fact the same thing. That there were ways to be a good person, and make right choices, that didn't involve these things.

Not only did this knowledge brighten my horizons, but it also flew in the face of what the church taught. If I were to put it in standard mormon terms, then thoughts of serving a mission caused a stupor of thought, while this realization that I didn't have to serve a mission filled me with peace and content. By their own tests, this was something I shouldn't do. There was certainly more thought put into the matter, but the scales were already tipped; after being told that it was OK not to serve a mission, it was a foregone conclusion that I would never go on one. The thought of not having to do so felt so much brighter than anything else that serving a mission seemed inconceivable. 

This decision provided some of the original foundations for my arguments against the religion of my parents. After all, in my own mind, this was not merely a selfish decision; it was the right decision. I didn't belong out there in any form, and by not going I was making the morally correct choice. This is likely why I was unwilling to back down with my family; no matter how badly I was treated, no matter how much they ostracized me, I didn't back down from my stance because I was right. If someone is going to treat me badly because I’m doing the right thing, then screw them; I’m not going to stop doing what I think is right.

Family members and other mormons didn't see it that way, of course. But if they are going to act in such a way over a morally correct decision, then what does that say about their religion? If I’m trying my best to be a good person and make good decisions, would a kind and loving god really condemn me? What does this say about such a god? My family members would try to talk me into coming back, but even at such an elementary stage my basic logic could still confound their efforts. They would try to convince me that they knew that the church was true, but this flew in the face of the basic definition of the word faith! It flew in the face of their religious teachings, where only the most holy and righteous people would even reach a point where they actually had a true knowledge of god, instead of just having faith. Every time a family member would try to convince me with a testimony, I'd stop them at the point where they said they know the church was true. I'd challenge them on that, and they never did give me a satisfactory answer.

So I didn't go on a mission, and I was treated quite poorly as a direct result. My parents' treatment of me included a confiscation of both my car keys and my house key, and instructions to my younger siblings never to let me inside the house without permission from a parent. And this was the place I was living at, mind you. Need to go to work? I had to walk; 40 minutes to get there, and 40 minutes to get back. Get home late and nobody will answer the door? Either sleep outside, or spend another 30 minutes walking to a friend's house.  I quickly moved out of my parents’ home, and honestly believed that I had been disowned. Whatever religious and moral direction my life would take, it was up to me.

My Exit Story Pt 1

Everyone that leaves the church has an exit story. There’s always something that made them doubt, something that made them question, or something similar. This one is my exit story.

I've always been a very individualistic person; I live life more by my own rules, and less by the whims of others. I found church boring, so I’d sleep through it. And when you have Mormon-sized families, your parents can't keep track of all of you. So I was allowed to sleep, as long as I did so discreetly. It didn't matter so much whether my parents disapproved of this action or not; I was bored, so I would sleep. With the constant sleeping through the first hour of church, I probably missed out on a lot of the indoctrination that many mormons go through. As a result, you could perhaps say that I already had a foot out to begin with. However, being the individualistic person I am, I only study something if it interests me personally. So even when I had mostly left the church, I never actually sat down and studied it, and came across many of the very real issues that exist there. So while I might have started with half a foot out, I also ended up keeping a partial foot in for far longer than I should have.

While I never really studied the scriptures or any of that (too boring), I was still raised in the church, so my default mode of thinking was still mormon, and my default setting was to believe. As a youngster and a young teenager, confirmation bias would also ‘present’ just enough evidence to keep me from seriously questioning. In retrospect, it was all little things; I’d lose my glasses, and couldn't find them after searching and searching. I’d spend enough time not being able to find them that I’d start to panic a little, and would finally pray to god to help me find my glasses. I’d eventually find them, and viola!, supporting evidence of god. Good old confirmation bias, it never steers you wrong. This continued until I was maybe 16 or so, when the first big step occurred on my Stairway to Apostasy.

It should be noted that there were several little steps before this. Like several people, I never felt anything special when I was baptized, or when I received the priesthood at 12. And while I noticed these things, and wondered a little bit why I had never felt anything special, I was able to suppress any tendency to seriously question. As an individualistic person, I never found it quite interesting enough to really delve into seriously. And since this was all I had ever known since birth, it wasn't really very different; I had no normal to compare it to, and thus no sense of just how abnormal things were.

Step 1

When I was 16 or 17, there was a large tri-stake youth conference being held in my corner of the church. I lived in a part of the US that had a sparse mormon population, so involving 3 stakes meant that it included the youth across 3 states. This was billed as a Very Big Event, and was going to be Very Special.

Included in this youth conference were two events in particular that (according to the mormon belief) would be particularly special. The first one was having all of the youth perform the Joseph Smith experiment. The event took place near some undeveloped, lightly wooded land. They walked us all out into the “forest”, and at appropriate intervals (far enough not to disturb the other kids), they would have individuals pick spots out in the trees in order to repeat for themselves the events of Joseph Smith, and pray to god to ask which church was true. This might not sound particularly special to someone who has not been a mormon, but to those in the know, this was a Big Deal. The so-called founder of mormonism, Joseph Smith, is a very canonized figure in mormon culture, almost as much as Jesus himself.  Everything he said was special, everything he did was special, and filled with importance, he was almost completely sinless, etc. Members of the mormon church are taught to revere Joseph Smith, and are even taught that his place in heaven is secondary only to Jesus.

In accordance with this status, specific events in his life are taught to be very special and full of meaning. So it was when he claimed to have prayed to god as a young boy, asking which church he should join, and god supposedly answered him by telling him not to join any of the existing churches, for they were all false. (Funny how he never told anyone this story, not even family, until well over a decade after it supposedly happened. But that’s for another day…) To this day, church leaders insist that you can know of the truth of the church by repeating this experiment, and praying to god about whether the church is true.

A chance to perform this under the original conditions (JS supposedly went out into the woods to do this bit of praying) was a special event, in mormon thinking. It’s something where one would surely feel the spirit, and gain a powerful testimony. So when jack shit ended up happening, that served as one of the first real seeds of doubt that I couldn't easily explain away. For once in my life, I had been sincere; instead of dicking around or taking a nap, I actually did what I was supposed to. I got down on my knees, and with all sincerity prayed for an answer. I had never really prayed seriously before; everything up to that point was mostly either "please help me find my glasses" or the robotic, going-through-the-motions prayer I told when going to bed. But this time was different. This time, I had really put forth effort. And nothing had responded.

That wasn't the only thing in this conference to cause me to doubt, however. The second Big Event of the conference was that the prophet himself came to speak to us. It should be noted here that mormons elevate their leader to an even higher pedestal than catholics do to the pope. Most mormons consider their leader to be infallible, but also consider him to be a prophet in every biblical sense of the word. This is a person that communicates with god, reveals god’s word, and can perform miracles just like the prophets of old. TBM's believe that the modern prophet can move mountains if he commands them to, or part the waters of the sea, should he choose to command it.

Surely such a powerful and righteous man has a veritable aura of righteousness about him! To be in his presence, how could someone not feel the spirit? This is the sort of vision that the youth are given about the leader of the mormon church. And this person was coming just to speak with us. Just the youth, and the prophet; no adults. We were important enough for this powerful and righteous figure to travel a considerable distance, just to speak with us. Yes, this was going to be a Really Big Deal, and meeting the prophet would surely strengthen all of our testimonies!

They place their leader upon such a high pedestal that any reality will surely fail to live up to the hype. And so it was with me. they had built up my expectations for this event, and the actual event didn't live up to my expectations. I felt nothing special by being in the same room as the prophet, or seeing him physically with my own two eyes. His talk wasn't anything special either, it was just the same boring crap that you get in general conference, which was just a polished up version of what I tried to sleep through on Sundays. Not only did the event fail to live up to the expectations, but even worse it ended up being downright boring. Whatever part of me that had ever wanted to believe was partially shattered by this event. If the mormon prophet doesn't move you, then what possibly could? Two of the most faith-promoting events my teen-aged brain could conceive of had both occurred, and both had come up empty. Combined, these two events served as my first major step towards leaving the church.

I've come across some more lessons from my past in the Kingston clan (a mormon polygamist group). They may have been tweaked a little bit since I was taught them. Again I have to say, these may seem like good life lessons, but the way they are used in the Clan is not okay. This one is a little long, but very interesting. (I am copying this word for word so bear with me on the punctuation and other things)

                                   Order Standards for Young men/Young women Conduct 

1. Cherish virtue above life itself.

2. My first kiss will be on my wedding day during the ceremony.

    a. Dances

        i. Dance no more than two dances in a row with the same person unless you are married to that person.

        ii. You should not dance too close.

        iii. Stay in the dance hall.

        iv. Boys should escort girl(s) back to her seat.

        v.  Be polite.

3. Dating

    a. There is no dating.

    b. For order Girls

        i. No calling or talking to boys on the phone.

        ii. No writing letters to boys.

        iii. No giving or receiving gifts from boys.

    c. For order Boys

        i. No calling or talking to girls on the phone.

        ii. No writing letters to girls.

        iii. No giving or receiving gifts from girls.

4. Have $20,000 save(d) by the time you are married. (How is this possible when you're paid less than minimum wage and "turning ALL of your money in?)

5. Uphold the Order, the Leader, and the ones above you.

6. Don't cast your pearls before swine. (Matthew 7:6 and 3 Ne.. 14:6)

7. Have a determination to marry only your number one choice. (And number 2...3....4....)

8 Boy is to be a protector for girls. (Mental head slap)

   a. Boys should open doors for girls.

   b. Boys should see to it that girls in their presence live up to all the Order standards. 

9. Save yourself for the one you marry.

    a. Example of the Heart of the Rose.

FAILING TO LIVE STANDARDS IS A TWO EDGED SWORD

1. Before you break the Order standards, the devil tries to trick you into thinking they are not that important. This continues as each fence is broken down.

2. After this happens for a while, the devil causes you to think you are worthless because you did not live the standards and you give up. (It's not the devil that does this...It's other members and the leaders)

3. Be yea clean that bear the vessels of the Lord. And, no matter what happens never give up.

RESULTS

1. People might tell you that it doesn't make that much difference to live up to the Order standards. Look at so and so. They broke some of the standards and they turned out fine.

    a. The wheels of justice grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine.

    b. The Lord knows all.

    c. We could see no one even wanted to eat the gum (Am I the gum...?) after everyone handled it. How much more important is it to keep yourself clean that you will be qualified to have a clean girl for your wife.

2. Each Order member has a personal responsibility to live up to all the Order Standards.

3. Make sure you let no one rob you of living up to these standards and receiving the blessings of the Lord. 

4. And, even more important, make sure you don't rob someone else of living up to these standards. 

CURSING FOR FAILING TO LIVE THE STANDARDS

1. Lose the protection of the Lord.

2. Lose membership.

3. Lose birthright.

4. Lose the Spirit of the Holy Ghost.

5. Lose you(r) place in marriage.

6. Lose the protection of the Lord; you become susceptible to the diseases and plagues of the world. (Some of which are AWESOME!!!!)

     a. Many of the plagues are unnoticeable.

     b. Many cause infertility and make it so you can't have children. (So does inbreeding)

     c. Some cause death. (So does inbreeding)

     d. Many that don't cause death are accompanied with pain and suffering that make you wish you were             dead. (SO DOES INBREEDING!!!!)

7. "Wherefore, if ye have sought to do wickedly in the days of your probation, then ye are found unclean before the judgement-seat of God; and no unclean thing can dwell with God; wherefore, ye must be cast off forever." (1 Ne 10:21)

8. "And it is given unto them [all people] to know good from evil; wherefore they are agents unto themselves, and I have given unto you another law and commandment. Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the Kingdom of God, for no unclean thing can dwell there, or dwell in his presence; for, in the language of Adam, Man of Holiness is his name, and the name of (h)is Only Begotten is the Son of Man, even Jesus Christ, righteous Judge, who shall come in the meridian of time." (Moses 6:56-57)

9. "I perceive that it has been made known unto you, by the testimony of his [the Lord's] word, that he can not walk in crooked paths; neither doth he vary from that which he hath said; neither hath he a shadow of turning from the right to the left, or from that which is right to that which is wrong; therefore, his course is one eternal round. And he doth not dwell in unholy temples; neither can filthiness or anything which is unclean be received into the Kingdom of God; therefore I say unto you the time shall come yea, and it shall be at the last day, that he who is filthy shall remain in his filthiness."(Alma 7:20-21)

10. "Know ye not the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, for idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the Kingdom of God." (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)

11. Other References

      a. Proverbs Chp 6&7

COMMANDMENTS & PROMISES OF GOD FOR LIVING THE STANDARDS

1. "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; the(y) shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

2. "For the time speedily cometh that the Lord God shall cause a great division among the people, and the wicked will he destroy; and he will spare his people, yea, even if it so be that he must destroy the wicked by fire." (2 Ne 30:10)

3. "Abide ye in the liberty wherewith ye are made free; entangle not yourselves in sin, but let your hands be clean, until the Lord comes." (D&C 88:86)

4. "Who shall ascend into hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation." (Psalms 24:3-5)

5. "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones." (Proverbs 12:4)

6. "Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies." (Proverbs 31:10)

7. "Depart ye, depart ye, go ye out from thence, touch no unclean thing; go ye out of the midst of her; be ye a. (Isaiah Chp 52)

8. Matthew Chp 5

I'm having a hard time thinking about comments for all of this, but holy shit! This is some messed up stuff isn't it?! Putting homosexuals (effeminate is how it is worded) in the same categories as thieves and adulterers and comparing women to "Rottenness in his bones"!!! How am I functional after getting out of this!?

Well that is all for now. I'd love to hear comments, if you have them :)

I always questioned Mormonism...

I was born in Utah and raised Mormon (LDS).  I am no longer part of the church and am an exmormon.  I actively participate in postmormon groups, such as the postmos.

My story begins at the beginning of my first year in Sunday school, when I was about 5 or 6.  I remember it clearly.  The Sunday school president asked people to write down their testimonies of god, Jesus, and the Book of Mormon.  We would save it and reopen it in a year.  I couldn't write down anything, because I realized I didn't know whether any of it was true.  I remember thinking about whether there was a God.  I told my teacher that I couldn't write and I didn't know whether there was a god.  So instead, we came up with, "I love my family.  I love my mom and dad.  In the name of Jesus, Amen."  We never did open it a year later.  Maybe I was sick or the Sunday school president changed.

There are little moments in most of our lives that seem to change the direction of the rest of our lives.  That was the first time I thought about God.  It was a few weeks later that I decided to actually listen in Sacrament meeting instead of my usual nap or drawing.  I think my mom no longer let me sleep up against her, so that also forced me to stay awake.  Man, church was boring even then and I couldn't stay awake the entire time.  There was one talk that caught my ear.  One lady's testimony was about feeling the spirit, and how she felt some warmth or something like that when she prayed about something.  I don't remember exactly what she said, but I thought to myself, "Is she crazy?  Is she deluded?  Is it god?  Is it the devil?  Is it just in her head?"  I thought about that question many times during my life as a mormon.  I don't think about it anymore since I'm no longer mormon.  ;)

When I was 8, I thought to myself, "Now that I'm going to be baptized, I'll finally learn whether the church is true."  I paid attention to my feelings.  It's not like I had any sin -- I was 8.  There's nothing that an 8 year old can really do to be "unworthy".  I had no reason to feel guilty about anything that I had ever done.  There was no reason for me to not feel the spirit.  I was baptized.  Sure, I felt good but I was around people.  There was no special feeling.  I was given the gift of the holy ghost by laying on of hands, as a Mormon would say.  I felt nothing different after.  If anything, I felt more different after baptism than being given the holy ghost.  A large part of that was because I had just been completely immersed in water.  I felt nothing different for the next week.  If anything, this was the experiment of all experiments.  I should have just been given the gift of the holy ghost and baptized -- two supposedly life-altering experiences where I could have many experiences with god.  I believed I would feel something, if it existed.  I felt nothing.  In my head, I could never repeat that experiment unless I left the church.  That experiment failed to give me any spiritual experience.

I also paid attention to my emotions and feelings when I was ordained for my mission.  And when I was unordained when I came home from my mission.  I paid attention when I resigned from the church.  There were no moments where I felt anything different from what I felt before.  I didn't feel more miserable, nor happier.  Granted, if anything, leaving the church has made me much happier than before, but a large part of that is because I've been able to make long-lasting friends who I can talk to about most anything.  A large part of my happiness now has been able to make an emotional and intellectual connection to other exmormons.

If I had been in any other place in Utah, that's where my mormon story would have ended.  Sure, everyone has a mormon story these days.  But I wouldn't have been mormon.  I stuck with it because of intellectual curiosity -- what if they really had the truth, but I was just too young, had to give it time, or do more?  What if god was just testing me?  What if there was more behind it?  It didn't consume my thoughts then, but I thought about it every Sunday.  Well, most Sundays.  I figured I'd give it a few years.  Afterall, what else was I supposed to do?  I was freakin' 10.  I thought to myself, "I don't want to drink, smoke, or swear, so I might as well be Mormon."

I noticed in my mind even then, the Mormon dichotomy -- the LDS church was either true or no Christian church was true.  It just made sense that Jesus, if real and the Savior of all mankind, would visit all cultures when resurrected.  The resurrection was the pinnacle of mankind, the penultimate purpose, the other-large-mormony-word of all existence.  It was the moment.  Jesus would visit the USA and its native american inhabitants, because Salvation is that important.  Besides, the Book of Mormon thoroughly destroyed other religious arguments, like giving thorough reasons for baptism by immersion, life after death, and on and on.  The mormons solved a lot of problems in Christianity.  That is, if Christ even existed and was the savior of humanity, which I wasn't even sure was the case.  That all seemed far-fetched.  I figured, if I was going to believe one far-fetched story, I might as well believe another far-fetched story that makes it a more complete, sensible story.  If Christianity was true, Mormonism had to be as well.  There was no other way in my thought-process.  So, my point was to figure out how far-fetched of a story that I would believe.

I'll finish up my life story later, since lives are long and complicated.  My teen years eventually led me to believe in Mormonism, but that's another story.  I never really understood why my thought process was so different from so many other people, while so young.  It really doesn't matter.  I would ask my missionary companions why they believed, and they almost always said that they always had.  That blew me away.  I had always questioned.

I try to wonder what my life had been if I was never LDS, but I can't even imagine it.  That's kind of a pointless pursuit, because it would have been so dramatically different that there's nothing to compare to.  I don't know if I would have been happier never having been mormon, or if I'm happier now once mormon and having left.  I don't know if I would have ended up religious, spiritual, agnostic, or atheist.  I don't know if I would have had the same confidence I have now, the same exuberance for life, the same friendships, the same level of enjoyment and pleasure if I had never been mormon and left.  All I can say, is that I'm young enough to be glad that I'm out of it at this point.