SLC Lecture: Bob McCue: The Evolving Self in Post-Mormon Relationships

Thursday, April 24, 2014

7:00 PM

Legends Bar and Grill

677 South 2nd West, Salt Lake City, UT

Bob McCue will be speaking at Legends Sports Grill, 277 S 200 W, SLC, at 7pm on Thursday, April 24th, 2014.

Bob is a post-Mormon of pioneer stock on both sides of his family. He is a Canadian tax attorney, holds a BA in Russian with a religious studies minor, an MBA and a law degrees. Bob served a mission to Peru, as a Bishop for five years, and in a variety of other LDS leadership capacities.  In June of 2002, his Mormon world painfully imploded during several days of intense research he conducted while attempting to help a friend debunk anti-Mormon literature. Until then, Bob had followed the Mormon injunction to avoid anti-Mormon material.

For about five years following Bob's departure from Mormonism, he read and wrote extensively about adjusting to life outside of Mormonism, how our brains work, and various topics related to Mormon origins. He was trying to understand how he could have been wrong about so many of his foundational beliefs, while learning to exercise more reliable judgement. Bob also describes this period as a massive brain re-wiring project that helped him take the first few terrifying steps into new life. Samples of Bob's writing can be found  on websites such as Mormon Curtain  and bobmccue.ca.  Bob's initial letter to Elder Holland, and a response letter, have been widely read and resonate with many former and current LDS people whose religious beliefs are evolving.

Now over a decade into his post-Mormon walk, Bob regularly expresses gratitude to family and friends for how life has surprised him. He seldom thinks or talks about religion, and when recalling his Mormon life or his trauma on the way out of Mormonism, feels more like he is remembering a book he read than his own experience.  The gulf between his present and former lives fascinates him.

Bob will share his thoughts with regard to the various evolutionary stages he believes he has experienced since leaving Mormonism. He will address particularly:
·  the role fear plays in preventing personal growth;
·  how hard it is for most of us to grasp our own capacity to change;  and
·  how a new physical or social environment can facilitate fundamental change.

Bob acknowledges that what works for him will not for many others, and believes that the more opportunity we have to listen to people trying to make sense of their experience, the more likely we are to discover what works for us.

Bob offers his story as a perspective that he hopes some will find useful, and no more than that. This personal sharing is also another small installment on the debt of gratitude Bob feels to people like Michael Quinn, Grant Palmer and countless others with whom he interacted over the Internet as he took his first trembling steps toward Mormonism's exit door. Without the perspective and support they provided, Bob could not have changed as he has.

Bob believes that we can look forward to a life-long process of emerging from ourselves in surprising ways as we seek resonance with the changing music around and within us. These rebirths are terrifying at times, and far more often exhilarating.

After Bob's presentation, there will be ample time for Q&A.

A Brief History of Postmos

Long ago, I was alone.  I went to work, and I went home.  I didn't know how to meet people, and didn't know where to begin.  I lived alone, so there were some days where I may not have even talked to anyone.  That was for about a year, maybe two.

These days, my life is very different.  I meet so many people, that I can't keep up.  It's been a fun, wild ride.  I don't have time for the people that I do know, and I can barely keep up with my own life, much less with organizing Postmos.  In fact, I'm about to step down from being the chairperson of our group -- I've done this for years, and my life is changing enough that I no longer have the time to do what I used to.

The Beginning

As mentioned, I didn't know where to meet people.  I was afraid to just go to a bar, because I didn't even know where to begin.  I watched the Exmormon Conference online, and wished that I had gone.  I was very disappointed that I didn't go, because I couldn't find any groups to go to.  It was another year before I even saw anything social for exmormon groups posted anywhere online.  There's lots of secret exmormon Facebook groups, but you'd never know if you weren't already in those circles.

I went to an exmormon brunch, nearly a year later.  That brunch was life-changing.  I don't know what it is, but somehow meeting other people and talking things over with them gives you the confidence to be the person that you want to be.  It still wasn't enough, as soon I felt like I didn't know where to meet people.  But I had the confidence to post a question online --- whether anyone else was interested in meeting at a coffee shop once a month.  Soon, I received an email from a lady, Heather, who was already trying to organize a group in our area.  She basically said that I was interested in doing it more often than her, so that I should just lead the group.  She then gave me an email list.

So, I organized our first coffee.  There was about 12 people there, and it turned into a discussion with the group of us in a big circle.  I don't remember exactly how it turned out, but I realized that I didn't like that particular style.. at least not for the staple event.  So, the next event, I got a clown and that had about forty people there.  The next event was the Danzigs, I think, and that was about 25 people.  It's been interesting seeing the swings in crowds and people.  It's been interesting seeing the psychology of the different people involved.

The First Drama and the Admins

About a year into it, we had our first set of real drama.  A picture was posted to our Facebook group, that was somewhat sacrilegious.  I'm not a person with strong opinions about very much, but this encouraged the organizational structure of our group.  Basically, the idea was that I simply did not know enough (and maybe didn't care enough) to handle many of dramas that could arise.  For more, most issues are typically non-issues.  Additionally, I'm always a busy person.  We also wanted some protection in the case of a lawsuit, so that the individuals in our group were protected if something were to go wrong beyond our control.  Thus, our first admin group was formed.  Myself, Valerie, Hilerie, Lisa, Brian, and Tera. 

Utah Valley Postmos

It was about a year in that I was emailed by a girl named Anne.  She wanted to find other people in Utah Valley.  I then gave her the opportunity to start up a group, to use some of the resources that I had been using.  Anne is amazing, simply funny, smart, and personable.  Anne became a "godsend" for people in Utah Valley. 

Our groups grew.  People need a place to meet.  It isn't even about meeting other Postmos, it's about meeting thoughtful people.  I'd rather be with a thoughtful, non-dogmatic Mormon, than an unthoughtful, dogmatic atheist.  I simply prefer being around people who are not judgmental, and are understanding of people who come from different walks of life.  Most of us crave that, and so that's what our groups became.  And it's been a blast.

Seeing lives change

This has been hard work.  It's been rewarding work, but I've been amazed that we've been able to keep it up this long.  There are so many different personalities and philosophies among Postmos, that sometimes it can be hard finding the right balance.  Keeping things on a personal level, making sure everyone feels that connection, and making sure that the quirks in any individuals personality don't destroy the connections that could be made.. it's all though work.  Especially when you have so many people that you meet, so many stories that you hear. 

There's things that I simply didn't have time for, but that I've helped with.  The connections made in our group formed the basis of people who started the Provo Pride Festival.

But when it comes down to it, it has been rewarding.  Long term friendships have been made, and although people move on from our groups, you can see those friendships last.  I can name a lot of people who are getting married from meeting in our group.  I can think of lives improved.  My own, to say the least.  It's been the most rewarding thing that I've ever done.  Unfortunately, what we can do is limited, because we all only have limited funds, time, and energy.  But I'm glad to have been part of it all.. I'm glad to call myself a Postmo.  I'm glad to have made all the friends that I have.